Today is one of 'em. No matter what, all I can see is my *fat*--It's EVERYWHERE! And there's no place to freak out, because no one else gets it, so you guys get the brunt of it (sorry!)
I cried after lunch today. It's just SUCH a traumatizing experience, and I can't even explain why! There's just so much FOOD! Snacks, I can handle, but meals? No es bueno. And I can't eat it all, so I have to deal with everyone staring, and THEN I have to deal with that damn Ensure (I'm SO SICK of them, and it's only my third day of drinking them!) All the calories! All that FOOD, just sitting in my belly! And all the food I wasted...*sigh* The guilt is endless, and I can't deal with it.
And I'm fat. Fat, fat, fat, FAT....
Friday, July 8, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Good Mood!
It's a beautiful day here, I am dressed up, I do not have to eat today, and I DO NOT have to be at the PHP today--life is good!
This message brought to you by the letter C and the "I'm in a Good Mood" Committee! :)
(Only problem? I'm FAT today...but that's mitigated by how wonderful everything else is!)
This message brought to you by the letter C and the "I'm in a Good Mood" Committee! :)
(Only problem? I'm FAT today...but that's mitigated by how wonderful everything else is!)
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Well, shit...
Went on a pretty sizable binge. Couldn't purge. Now I'm freaking out, and there's no one who could understand out there...
Irony
A bulimic who can't puke. Yup. That's right. I can't do it anymore. For now, anyway. I'm gonna try and give my throat a rest and see if that gag reflex comes back. In the meanwhile, it's pure restriction...
I started the partial hospitalization program (PHP) yesterday--it was AWFUL. Every 5 seconds, it feels like, they're making you shove food down your face. I cried a lot--at my former case manager, at my friend, by myself...I was SO FULL *all day long* yesterday, it was DISGUSTING. And last night, I completely freaked out. Completely. I used almost every negative coping skill I could think of, because I was so freaked out.
I feel so *trapped* right now--do this program and keep my relationships but lose my comforting negative coping skills, or DON'T do the program and face THOSE consequences...it'd almost be easier to die, I think sometimes...but I'm not suicidal right now. Just...worn out. Overwhelmed. Freaking the hell out. This shit is SCARY, and I DO NOT like it.
But, now that I've done one day of the program and managed to NOT stuff my face at night, I think I can come up with some sort of livable situation until my head screws itself on the right way and I realize that I need to eat to live, etc. So I'm a little calmer today. And I don't have to go in tomorrow because I have Appointments all day long, so no more dealing with this shit until Friday, and then there's the weekend (oh, the weekend...)
In other news, I'm going to try to donate blood today for the first time in *years*--I'm always so afraid that they're going to reject me, this time because of all the meds I'm on. But we shall see. Maybe they'll take me, and maybe I won't faint when they're done? :). I just feel like I *should* donate blood as often as I can. It's the right thing to do, you know?
I hope you all are well. Be strong, on whatever courses you may be taking at the moment, and don't let the world get you down. Life's too short for that shit.
I started the partial hospitalization program (PHP) yesterday--it was AWFUL. Every 5 seconds, it feels like, they're making you shove food down your face. I cried a lot--at my former case manager, at my friend, by myself...I was SO FULL *all day long* yesterday, it was DISGUSTING. And last night, I completely freaked out. Completely. I used almost every negative coping skill I could think of, because I was so freaked out.
I feel so *trapped* right now--do this program and keep my relationships but lose my comforting negative coping skills, or DON'T do the program and face THOSE consequences...it'd almost be easier to die, I think sometimes...but I'm not suicidal right now. Just...worn out. Overwhelmed. Freaking the hell out. This shit is SCARY, and I DO NOT like it.
But, now that I've done one day of the program and managed to NOT stuff my face at night, I think I can come up with some sort of livable situation until my head screws itself on the right way and I realize that I need to eat to live, etc. So I'm a little calmer today. And I don't have to go in tomorrow because I have Appointments all day long, so no more dealing with this shit until Friday, and then there's the weekend (oh, the weekend...)
In other news, I'm going to try to donate blood today for the first time in *years*--I'm always so afraid that they're going to reject me, this time because of all the meds I'm on. But we shall see. Maybe they'll take me, and maybe I won't faint when they're done? :). I just feel like I *should* donate blood as often as I can. It's the right thing to do, you know?
I hope you all are well. Be strong, on whatever courses you may be taking at the moment, and don't let the world get you down. Life's too short for that shit.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Problem:
My hair is about 1/2 as thick as it was two months ago, and it's falling out like CRAZY still, even though I'm eating more than I was two months ago. WTF do I DO about this??? It COULD be the lithium, but they reduced my dosage, and I'm just not sure how to proceed. Also, it's freaking me out. My hair has ALWAYS been my pride and my joy, the only part of my body that I appreciated. :( And now it's going....HELP!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Officially Bulimic
I saw the paper work yesterday--it's official, I guess.
The diagnosis I've been trying to avoid for two years...
138 today (down about a pound and a half from a week and a half ago), and I can see the ribs near my collarbone when I put my hair up, but I'm still FAT.
The diagnosis I've been trying to avoid for two years...
138 today (down about a pound and a half from a week and a half ago), and I can see the ribs near my collarbone when I put my hair up, but I'm still FAT.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Why do I DO this to myself???
Bored. Killing time. Thirsty. So what do I do? Go in search of a smoothie, despite the fact that I've eaten most of a dinner AND a damnable supplemental drink because I couldn't finish my dinner (motherfucking program!)
The place doesn't have smoothies. So I order a FroYo--only 125 calories plus the fruit--fine. But now? NOW I want to PUKE, and there's no place to DO it because I'm in public and I'm freaking the hell OUT and there's no one to SHARE this with because no one GETS it. I'm FAT. My foodstuffs are making me FAT. WHY can't I just STARVE myself? WHY do I have to go through all this food, this bingeing and purging, this nasty, disgusting, FAT-MAKING cycle all the bloody time? GAH!I just want freedom from this--THIN freedom from this, that is. Not "fat and happy" freedom, no no no. I will NEVER be fat and happy, because you CAN'T be happy if you're fat. It doesn't WORK that way. GAH! Just...just GAH! Save me from myself! I just wish I could do this the RIGHT way. And I wish I'd never stopped for FroYo. Baaaaad idea. Bad idea...
The place doesn't have smoothies. So I order a FroYo--only 125 calories plus the fruit--fine. But now? NOW I want to PUKE, and there's no place to DO it because I'm in public and I'm freaking the hell OUT and there's no one to SHARE this with because no one GETS it. I'm FAT. My foodstuffs are making me FAT. WHY can't I just STARVE myself? WHY do I have to go through all this food, this bingeing and purging, this nasty, disgusting, FAT-MAKING cycle all the bloody time? GAH!I just want freedom from this--THIN freedom from this, that is. Not "fat and happy" freedom, no no no. I will NEVER be fat and happy, because you CAN'T be happy if you're fat. It doesn't WORK that way. GAH! Just...just GAH! Save me from myself! I just wish I could do this the RIGHT way. And I wish I'd never stopped for FroYo. Baaaaad idea. Bad idea...
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