Christmas

Oooooooh, I have eaten sooooooo much.  My grandparents, usually so concerned with Not Being Fat, have decided this trip around to be concerned with Feeding Me.  I just got back from Christmas dinner, where I ate soooooo much, and I can't purge because I'm not at my own house in the comfort of my own zone.  I wish I could just let all of this go for a week and bloody enjoy myself, but I just can't. I'm stuck feeling this way.

Man oh man, I am going to come out of this sooooooo fat....

So fat.

I'm in another state, visiting my grandparents for the holidays, right? The land where they wine and dine you for a week.  My grandfather, who's usually so good about asking about my weight told me to forget about it this week and to enjoy myself (GASP!) but how'm I supposed to enjoy myself when I feel like a fat pig all the time?  I can't eat a bite of food without feeling that way. Because I AM a fat pig right now.

I haven't restricted properly, purged, or cut in about a month and a half now (since I got the new GF I haven't been as self-destructive as I've been in the past...) and that's making me feel even worse about not taking care of this "fatty" business--I deserve pain if I can't stop myself from eating, but that's not the way it's been going...

I dunno, man. I don't know how I'm going to come out of this week. December really IS a terrible month for restricting...

The Holidays

So, I am en route right now to my grandparents' house, where they will wine and dine me for a week.  This worries me, as I'm already fat as a cow.  I need to STOP EATING...but I can't!

Oh, the Holidays...

Urgh...

So, I was up reeeeally late last night finishing a final, and overslept this morning, which puts me in the awkward position of being awake with nothing to do before the next train comes. So I went to the station, and to kill time, I figured I'd buy something from Dunkies--NOT COFFEE! I can't *stand* their coffee--it's for emergencies only, see? So, I got...a breakfast sandwich. I feel. So Fat. Bad move, anonymous. Bad move. I've never wanted to puke so badly before in my life. And it's worse, because now I'm guaranteed three full meals today. *sigh* Thursdays, you suck. I will try to minimize the damage, though. Yes. That's what I'll do.
Gross, gross, gross. I can't believe I did that! What a morning...

I'm pretty sure...

...that I'm getting fatter.
Also that this is doing terrible things for my skin.

Do I care enough to stop? Nope. The only thing that's really bothering me right now is the shakiness. And the "being a fatty" thing. That, too.

I hate food.

I do.  I can't avoid it, though.  I've been SO SHAKY lately, I don't know what to do about it. It's only a problem because I'm in a choir, and we've had a series of concerts, and as soon as we get up there to sing, my *entire body* starts shaking.  I think it's from low blood sugar, but I can't bring myself to do the "right" thing and eat a normal meal to take care of it.

Also, because I've been avoiding normal meals, I wind up eating CRAP when I do eat. All sorts of crap. Bad for you shit. I feel like a 10million pound toad in a stuffed-sausage suit. I wish this would just PAY OFF and make me skinny. But that'll never happen as long as I'm eating such crap, even if it is pretty low calorie when you consider the day's "suggested" intake.

I wish vegetables were as easy to obtain as crap food is...

I was *so* good yesterday...

I was *so* good yesterday--I only ate three things! ...but I woke up at three AM hungry. Oh well--you win some, you lose some, and I figure that's worth it.

I've been inordinately tired lately, and my girlfriend inadvertently pointed out that it might be my eating habits yesterday, when I was telling her how good I'd been (because I was really excited about it! I had to share!) She saaid maybe I needed more than a bowl of cereal and a yogurt--she may have a point, but I am addicted to my new ways. Oh well...