Dear Lord, I'm a MONSTER!

In a moment of delirious "stick it to you, eating problems!" I went to...McDonald's and ordered the grossest thing I could and ATE it, and now I feel sick and I can't purge because I'm in public an hour away from home and I've RUINED my calorie intake for the day and I'm a pathetic failure fat whore of a girl.

GAH!! What is WRONG with me?????

Confessional

I think that people like to blog about their eating disorders because a) it makes them feel less alone and b) they need to confess: to confess when they slip up, binge, purge, whatever. People, by nature, need to share.  And this is something that it's difficult to share with other people, as they tend not to respond well. And yet in these communities, people will respond and keep you going when you think that you can't any more.

My confession: today was supposed to be a liquid diet day. I also ate two green beans, two pieces of pickle, and a slice of bread. And a huge bowl of soup. Though I did purge as much of it as I could (problem mostly solved!)

I am a failure at what I do.

Day Off

Being (relatively) unemployed is no good for me.  On the two days that I work, I'm SO GOOD. I will easily consume less than 700 calories.

BUT.

On the days that I don't work, it's a constant battle to find something to do so that I don't eat, and even if I go to the kitchen to make tea or get a drink, I have to CONSTANTLY FIGHT with myself. I'm disgusting!

So, today is a day off.  I'm going to go to the store and buy some instant, low calorie soups so that I can fool my body into thinking it's eating.  Then I will make some tea.

And beyond that? No plan. Lots of trouble ahead...

Obsession

My therapist says the body has a way of adapting to survive, that hunger is by nature adaptive, and therefore it's natural to become obsessed with food when you start starving yourself.
I hate it.
Let me just fade away in PEACE. I do not want to be tormented with thoughts of disgusting food, taunting me with what I shouldn't have and don't WANT.  It's a cruel trick to think that you want something that you don't.
That being said, I'm obsessed with food.  It's all I think about all day long--what I'm going to eat, what I'm NOT going to eat, whether I'll write about it, how hungry I am, how BEAUTIFUL that hunger is, etc etc etc.  The thoughts won't leave me in peace, and peace is all I ever wanted...

Liquid Diet Day One

I can't say it was a great success, having tallied my calories for the day, but it was a...start.
I LIKE the liquid diet. I'm going to stick with it as long as I can...until Thursday...when my boss buys lunch for us. Ugh.
Wish me luck!
(AND I burned my mouth on the hot broth soup I was drinking, so NO THOUGHT OF FOOD!)

Argh!

Liquid Fast: Day 1: SPOILED!
I came downstairs to make coffee, so my grandmum knew I was awake...and she made me toast with cheese, that I couldn't just toss.

(Moment to breathe)

OK. That's all right. We'll ease into this. Toast today, nothing tomorrow. I like a challenge...

Recovering from the Weekend

So, as previously stated, I decided to give up on the weekends--BAD. DECISION.
I can't. stop. eating.
Tomorrow? My liquid diet starts. No food.
(This will give me a purpose)