Issues

I'm so beyond conflicted right now. Life can really suck sometimes. My case manager at the ED program I'm in has told me that focusing on my weight is easier than focusing on the other shit going on, but really? What else is going on that's that bad? Nothing. So why, oh why, do I feel this overwhelming urge to go back to starving myself? Maybe I'll try it for a few days, and see how it goes...

I'm baaaaaack!

Though I'm not sure how "back" I am. I've been really ambivalent lately...

So, for the past 6 months or so, I've been in treatment, and it was going really well until I moved into the evening program, which super sucks. Now, I'm toying with relapse. The only things that are keeping me from it are a) my *wonderful* new nutritionist and b) the amount of energy that my new job requires--I could not manage there if I stopped eating again, and there's no time for purging (plus? It would be SUPER unsanitary there...)

So I'm not sure what to do about it. I want to be thin again (I've gained 18 lbs, mostly by NOT following my meal plan, but I also feel like some of it is because of said meal plan. I don't know...) BUT I can't be half-assed about this if I want it to work, you know?

Argh! I don't know. It's just SO frustrating. I feel like all the good work I put into losing this whole ED thing has been thrown out the window, and I'm not sure of why. I also feel lke once you've got ED symptoms, it's nigh on impossible to rid yourself of them. It requires CONSTANT and concerted effort to keep the forces of evil at bay, and that's just something I haven't got right now.

But I don't want to turn into a serial treatment patient, you know? Someone who bounces in and out of treatment forever...

Help me decide!!